I have come to the conclusion that parenting is simply a journey of having to eat your own words and do the things you swore you would never do... More importantly, I have come to accept that, painful as it is, the ability to do this makes us better parents and better people.
I can't talk about this realization without first discussing my stumble into attachment parenting. I didn't start out as the baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping AP mom and advocate that I am now. My AP journey honestly began because I was a crazy pregnant woman TERRIFIED of both pain and epidurals. I researched birth education classes and found a Bradley teacher in our area. My goal was simply to survive labor and delivery without someone sticking a giant needle in my spine. Ironically, it is the one area of natural/attachment parenting that I have now completely abandoned. After hours of intense, piggy-backing pitocin induced contractions in my first labor (when I was induced at 36 weeks because of my own health issues), I gave into to the epi and never looked back. The second time around, I was more than happy to deal with that creepy needle before I was really even in pain. Of course, it helps when your husband knows which anesthesiologists to request :-). Even though the whole "natural birth" thing didn't stick, the overall Bradley philosophy of being well informed and prepared and making choices based on information and not current trends or mainstream philosophy definitely did. Somewhere in the process, I ran into Dr. Sears and subsequently devoured the majority of his parenting library. Bradley also connected me with Le Leche League and eventually with Attachment Parenting International.
Still, there were elements of AP that I was really not sold on. I vividly remember reading in "The Baby Book" before Munchkin was born that the best investment many parents could make was a king sized bed for co-sleeping. While I happily installed a bedside co-sleeper instead of a traditional bassinet, I also bought a crib and decorated a nursery, sure that my baby would be moving into his own room soon and that I would never want to co-sleep. I was convinced I would be too nervous to actually sleep myself and that if presented with the right habits and routines, my child would be sleeping peacefully in a crib in no time... Enter Aedan. He slept relatively well in the hospital bassinet right after birth, but by the second night in the hospital, he refused to rest if he was not in someone's arms. Swaddling only made him kick harder and scream louder. He woke at least every 2 hours to eat and when I tried to lay him down after a feeding he usually woke right back up again and had to be nursed back to sleep. After 6 weeks of this, I was headed back to work full-time and absolutely exhausted. Something had to give. So we learned to nurse in a side-lying position and Aedan's co-sleeper became a lovely bedside shelf. I discovered that I loved having a little snuggle-bug in bed with us. It gave us bonding time when I was gone all day long and actually made me sleep better because I knew he was safe, breathing, and happy. Five years later, Aedan is still in our room (though not in our bed) and I wouldn't have it any other way. He will not be 15 and still wanting to sleep in his parent's bedroom. Eventually, the desire for independence will hit him in this area just like it has in others.(We potty-trained almost over night because we waited until Aedan was ready... Likewise, giving up the pacifier was completely painless...) Until then, if he feels safer and sleeps better in our room, I do too. I did not even purchase a crib, bassinet, or co-sleeper for Logan. He slept in a papasan bouncer placed in the middle of our bed for the first month, then moved into a travel bed in the middle of our bed, and then finally directly onto the bed itself by around 2 1/2 months. He napped in a swing or sling for a long time, and recently has moved to either the bed (with rails and a video monitor and us in the next room) or a floor bed or mat for naps though he still sleeps better in someone's arms. Thus, my first major "I'll NEVER" was broken as a parent in favor of something that works to make my family more efficient, happy, and healthy.
The next came when I decided to stay at my full time job after Matt graduated and I had an option to do otherwise. Aedan was flourishing in preschool (and was never further than down the hall from a family member...) I was enjoying my job, and still felt that I had enough time and energy to give him at home. "I will NEVER be a working mom" became "I am a HAPPY working mom" and "I could NEVER stay home!" I still am not sure that I could give up work entirely. I like having something that is uniquely mine and my job has become tied to my concept of who I am and what makes me feel successful. Because of this, it is has been beneficial to my children to see me work as well. If working made me miserable, it would be a different story, but for the past five years, it has been what works best for my family.
In the past year, these moments of having to eat my own words have become more and more frequent... Most obvious of course is this intolerance and feeding mess with Logan. I certainly NEVER thought (in my wildest dreams!!!) that I would ever be making bottles to bring to bed at night or wondering what to do with a massive collection of empty formula cans and scoops (surely there is something cool I could use these for!). I never thought I would be obsessively reading food labels or refusing to give a 7 month old tastes from my own food. But again, it is what is best for my poor little Monkey, so it's what we do. Also an obvious incidence to those who follow me on facebook is my recent purchase of a play yard for Logi-Bear. Yep, me - who does not own a crib, bassinet, or pack and play - just bought what really is a "baby cage." However, I am now a mom to an EXTREMELY active little Monkey who likes nothing more than to dart across the room on his tummy (backwards of course) and try to pull up on everything in sight, regardless of how unstable it may be. He often is unhappy in a jumperoo, exersaucer, or even sling as he WANTS to be on the floor and independent. Unlike his brother at this age, he will absolutely not sit still and play with a toy. Escapism is far more fun. Paired with this of course is a big brother who is very into legos, crayons, and other non-baby-friendly toys as well as a mommy who likes to occasionally make dinner or change clothes. The play yard makes all this work. I love it. It works for me and my family.
Perhaps less obvious this year have been my struggles about how to carry my beliefs about gentle attached parenting into the school-age years with Aedan. It is easy to be soothing, kind, and empathetic to a toddler who you are with all the time and whose only negative behavior is not wanting to slow down and take a nap. It is harder to be patient and understanding to a child who insists on giggling at "potty humor" and gets angry when not allowed to play a video game. It is still harder to fight the "homework battle" with a five year old who I only see for a few hours a day and understandably just wants to come home and play. We have always known that we did not want Aedan in public school (at least not in early elementary), so enrolling him in a Montessori school was logical and expected. It was also expected that it might be difficult for us all to adjust since Aedan had never really been away from family before. In many ways, Aedan has done better than expected. He is excelling at school in both academics and behavior. However, our family is not happy. Aedan comes home stressed out and in need of relaxation and we have to force homework and reading time. Often I have to say no to requests to "do reading stuff" (meaning homeschool reading activities and games) because Aedan has to complete assignments for school or simply get ready for bed. I miss my Munchkin. Life has become too chaotic and stress-filled for even our busy little family. Then there is the fact that even in a culturally diverse private school, there are influences we are not particularly fond of on our little guy. He was made fun of because of who he voted for in their mock election (never mind that he could actually explain why he voted the way he did which is more than I bet most kindergartners could - "Mitt Romney doesn't think boys should marry other boys and I think we should marry whoever we love... But I want to marry Molly.") Then the other day he told us all about a classmate singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" - never thought I'd have to explain the term "sexy" to a five year old! While I know these types of experiences are inevitable, I want to have the opportunity to be involved when they happen and to help navigate Aedan through these first challenges. That won't always be possible, but certainly having our five year old away from us 8+ hours a day isn't helping. These concerns, in addition to our worry that, socially, starting Kindergarten with this year's cohort may not have been the most appropriate for Aedan (though academically he is already a year or so AHEAD...) have led us to another decision I never thought I would make... We are becoming those parents who pull a kid out of school in the middle of the year. This Friday is Aedan's last at Spell Well. Ultimately, it came down to the fact that, though he claims to enjoy school and have friends, I have to battle with Aedan about going to school every morning. Since this is EXACTLY why I was avoiding public school, I just can't justify or condone spending a quarter of my salary on Montessori. As much as I LOVE Montessori and love the progress Aedan has made academically this year, It is just not right for our family right now...
Simultaneously with this struggle over Aedan's schooling has been my struggle over my own school situation (i.e. work...) I love my job, but my juggling act no longer feels worth it. I miss my own kids, my house is a disaster, and my attention always feels pulled in a million directions. So I've come to another conclusion I never thought I would reach (certainly not when I spent three years on a masters degree!): I think I am ready to step away from teaching full time. It sounds crazy as it took me 6 years to finally get to where I wanted to be (running my own department at my old intermediate school...) but, as a good friend recently told me, in the past my instincts have always been right about this kind of thing. Every major decision I have made that went against the predictable, easy path - graduating high school early, getting married at 19, even going to grad school for a degree that would never pay for itself... has led to some of the best things in my life. I regret none of them. Those choices were not without consequences or sacrifices, but they are all major life changes that needed to happen and I am grateful I made every one of them. This feels like another one of those moments. I'm still not sure I can make it happen logistically, but I have some very exciting prospects. It's another one of those choices I never thought I would make and yet now feel compelled to.
Along with these comes perhaps the biggest and most dramatic choice I never thought I would make... If all goes according to plan, we will be homeschooling Aedan (and Logi!) full time next year. I still don't believe homeschooling is the correct choice for everyone. I think homeschooling simply to shelter a child is wrong and feel for any child who is homeschooled out of some random curriculum book or online just for this purpose. However, we are in a unique situation... I am a certified EC-4 teacher. I LOVE curriculum planning and development. I have experience in Montessori, Waldorf, and traditional education. We have done some schooling at home and been very successfull with it (hence Aedan begging for "reading stuff" at home even now). Our child has some special needs due to his anxiety, intelligence, and emotional maturity that are not easily met in any classroom. We have space to devote to a working classroom at home, materials and books galore, and an extended family full of educational professionals as well. We understand the importance of socialization and can easily provide that for Aedan outside of a traditional school situation (our besties are already homeschooling and we are working to set up our own coop already as well as researching several other social support groups in our area with similar philosophies.) We will see how our part-time homeschooling (split with time in "Blue Bears") this spring works out, but at this point I am very excited about next year's possibilities.
Incerasingly now, these parenting choices are not easy. Life is complicated and tangled and messy and there usually are consequences and sacrifices for whatever choices we make. However, sometimes I think that risk is necessary for reward. Making the uncomfortable choice is often what makes us happiest in the end even when it leads us to what we swore we'd never do at the beginning... In any event, I have come to the conclusion that the way for me to practice the gentle, attached parenting I believe in is to simply be responsive to my children along the journey... wherever it takes us.
As a footnote, I know that there will be many of you who read this that disagree with one or more of the choices we are making at this point. That's okay. Until I lived THIS journey and THIS moment, I might (okay... I definitely would) have too. But if parenting has taught me nothing else, it is that we can never predict what the future might hold or what unlikely choices each of us may feel compelled to make. I love hearing all of your thoughts and reactions, but I do ask that you be respectful of that truth. Love you all!
-L.
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